Until When

It is precisely 1 minute until midnight. It has been a long time since I’ve blogged, but today I wanted to ease my fears into writing. I am angry, mad, and sad at myself for something I never prayed for ( DON’T DO IT, JUST DON’T). My past has always haunted me, and I never thought it would come to this. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, heal or move around the world, not seeing the darkness all around me. I scream as if it’s the only thing I can do. The only cry to save my world from breaking apart.

I refuse to believe it’s on “REPETITION” (the trauma). Please save me before the world does, but who needs saving when her healing requires reinvention? Who is ready for her messy, crazy love? Who is willing to love like her? Who is prepared to look outside the walls beneath her soul, for she has suffered and yet feels as though her suffering ended years ago but just emerged with an ache too deep to comprehend? What is going on? What did she do? Why her? As she bubbles in her bubbly world of heartbreaks, she realizes that being good is not good enough. No matter how good someone can be, they can only do it to satisfy themselves and not others.

Again, she wonders why the world has been cruel to her chivalrous spirit and why conflict turns to find her when peace is her home. To whom had she wronged, and when would a man sacrifice their love to stay to end her suffering for men? When will her pain rejoice the gift of her love so big the entire universe dances when she does? When will she go to sleep happy, smiling in her dreams without crying again? Until when will she bear the fruit of her magnificent love? When will that day be when she cries no more and rejoices forever?

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